by Fake Gay News Staff
In response to rapidly dwindling enlistment numbers, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today loosened the U.S. Armed Force’s restrictions on gays in the military.
Said Rumsfeld, “While it is true that a full-on homosexual lifestyle is incompatible with military service, it is time to acknowledge that many enlisted personnel have probably had a same-sex experience or two at some time in their past. Maybe they were just going through a phase, maybe it was a hazy, drunken night with a college roommate. Maybe they were just bi-curious. Hey, we’ve all been there!”
The U.S. military wants to assure those who have merely dabbled in the homosexual lifestyle—or plan to dabble—that it is okay, and no longer a bar to military service.
Rumsfield cautioned that the new policy carries certain restrictions. Prospective enlistees will have to go before the newly formed Judge Advocate General’s Bi-Curious Administrative Panel. (JAGBAP). “They will have to convince JAGBAP that any homosexual tendencies are simply that—tendencies—and not an entrenched homosexual lifestyle.”
Rumsfield deflected criticism from gay-rights groups that a military panel interviewing enlistees about past same-sex behavior amounted to a witch-hunt. “Hey, I’ll be heading up JAGBAP myself. I can assure you that enlistees will not be required to verbally recount prior same-sex activity. Instead, all they have to do is point to an anatomically correct same-sex doll and indicate what they did.”
“‘Don’t Ask — Don’t Tell’ is now officially amended to ‘Don’t Tell – Just Show Us on the Doll Where the Bad Man Touched You.’
