Monday, May 1, 2006

Military Amends Don’t Ask Don’t Tell – Bi-Curious Now Eligible to Serve

by Fake Gay News Staff

In response to rapidly dwindling enlistment numbers, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today loosened the U.S. Armed Force’s restrictions on gays in the military.

Said Rumsfeld, “While it is true that a full-on homosexual lifestyle is incompatible with military service, it is time to acknowledge that many enlisted personnel have probably had a same-sex experience or two at some time in their past. Maybe they were just going through a phase, maybe it was a hazy, drunken night with a college roommate. Maybe they were just bi-curious. Hey, we’ve all been there!”

The U.S. military wants to assure those who have merely dabbled in the homosexual lifestyle—or plan to dabble—that it is okay, and no longer a bar to military service.

Rumsfield cautioned that the new policy carries certain restrictions. Prospective enlistees will have to go before the newly formed Judge Advocate General’s Bi-Curious Administrative Panel. (JAGBAP). “They will have to convince JAGBAP that any homosexual tendencies are simply that—tendencies—and not an entrenched homosexual lifestyle.”

Rumsfield deflected criticism from gay-rights groups that a military panel interviewing enlistees about past same-sex behavior amounted to a witch-hunt. “Hey, I’ll be heading up JAGBAP myself. I can assure you that enlistees will not be required to verbally recount prior same-sex activity. Instead, all they have to do is point to an anatomically correct same-sex doll and indicate what they did.”

“‘Don’t Ask — Don’t Tell’ is now officially amended to ‘Don’t Tell – Just Show Us on the Doll Where the Bad Man Touched You.’

Saturday, April 29, 2006

18 Rich Families Pay for Campaign to Kill Estate Taxes

Sabrina Eaton
Plain Dealer Bureau

Washington -- Eighteen of America's wealthiest families, including the Timkens of Canton, are bankrolling efforts to permanently repeal estate taxes that would save their families a total of $71.6 billion, according to a report released Tuesday by public interest groups.

Groups funded by the super-rich have engaged in a deceptive campaign to convince the public that estate taxes cause widespread problems for small businesses and family farms when they actually affect about one in 370 estates, said the report released by Public Citizen and Boston-based United for a Fair Economy.

This year, all assets under $2 million for individuals and under $4 million for couples are exempt from estate taxes. Current tax law will boost those exemptions to $3.5 million and $7 million in 2009, eliminate the estate tax in 2010, and reimpose it in 2011 with a $1 million exemption.

The House voted to permanently repeal the estate tax last year, but the measure stalled in the Senate, where 60 votes are needed to override filibusters. Majority Leader Bill Frist says he will bring the bill up in May.

Ohio Republican Sen. Mike DeWine wants to repeal the tax because he says it hinders economic growth and penalizes society's most productive members, while Ohio GOP Sen. George Voinovich says the cost of eliminating it is too great: about $290 billion over the next 10 years. Voinovich would prefer a compromise to elevate the minimum threshold for estate tax liability to $3.5 million and regularly adjust it for inflation.

Groups that support estate tax repeal say they're close to getting the 60 votes they need. Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform says 68 percent of Americans want the tax eliminated. He says estate taxes affect a broad range of people and dismissed the report's contention that it only affects the super rich as "tired rhetoric of hate and envy."

The groups that released the report called it a "myth" that estate taxes force families to sell farms and businesses. They said the taxes raise revenue from those most able to pay, prompt the rich to give to charity and deter concentrations of wealth.

They said families including those that founded Wal-Mart, Gallo wineries, Nordstrom's department stores, Wegman's grocery stores, the Mars candy company, Cox media chain and Campbell Soup Co. joined the Timkens in bankrolling an effort the groups' report called "one of the biggest con jobs in recent history."

Because, Chaos Forbid, they need t'be savin' money, y'know...

Friday, April 28, 2006

Friday Pirate Cat Bloggin'

Aye, this lil'darlin' be 'Black Rat' McKenna, our fierce an'able Ship's Mascot, who wields not one or two, but twenty blades at a time. Note: She gets all th'nip an'anchovies she be wantin' as the Cap'n would like t'keep her last good eye!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

TV Seance Claims to Have Reached John Lennon

By Sue Zeidler

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A controversial television seance airing on Monday will claim it has reached the spirit of John Lennon, but viewers will have to pay $9.95 to find out what the peace-loving Beatle has to say.

The special, being carried on pay-TV service In Demand, was organized by the producers of a 2003 attempt to channel the late Princess Diana. That show failed to find Diana and received reviews that could have sunk the Titanic but it is estimated to have grossed close to $8 million.

Sight unseen, the Lennon effort has been attacked by the late Beatle's friends and fans as a tasteless effort to profit from his assassination 25 years ago. But producers say they are hoping to lure an audience that now loves such prime-time network TV shows as "Ghost Whisperer" and "Medium."

The program features what is described as an Electronic Voice Phenomenon, or EVP, that a psychic on the show claims is the disembodied voice of Lennon speaking at a seance in one of his favorite New York restaurants, La Fortuna. EVP is based on a belief that spirit voices communicate through radio and TV broadcast signals.

On the television show, filming at La Fortuna suddenly stops and a narrator says something odd has happened. They then claim that a mysterious voice can be heard on the voice feed of one of the psychics. The producers then call in "EVP specialist" Sandra Belanger to examine the voice and she proclaims it the real deal. "That's very consistent with a Class A EVP," she said, regarding the level and clarity of the voice. She also says the voice sounds like how Lennon would have talked.

Reuters was given a preview of the program, "The Spirit of John Lennon," on condition that it not reveal what the "voice" said during the taped seance. Producer Paul Sharratt, who heads Starcast Productions and who calls himself a skeptic, said hearing the voice has made him a believer.

"The Spirit of John Lennon" is being done without the knowledge or consent of Lennon's estate or his widow Yoko Ono, who declined comment. Her longtime friend and spokesman Elliot Mintz has called the entire exercise "tacky, exploitative and far removed" from the icon's way of life.

"A pay-per-view seance was never his style," said Mintz

Monday, April 17, 2006

From Up in The 'Crow's Nest'--Me Own 'Fried Green al-Qaedas'

Confirming the very worst fears of social conservatives, the annual White House Egg Roll today quickly descended into a gigantic homosexual orgy almost as soon as gay parents were allowed through the gates.

As far as the eye could see, guys and guys and girls and girls pawed each other ruthlessly on the neatly manicured White House lawn, much to the dismay of the other participants. Decent parents were scandalized, and small children were seen moving zombie-like, their eyes glazed over with shock. Many parents quickly escorted their children from the grounds, while others scampered to the relative comfort of the Easter Tent.

Among the brave straight parents who stayed, many refused to allow their kids to participate in the Egg Roll itself out of fear of what might happen once the children bent over.

"Another disaster," moaned spokesman Scott McClellan. "And I don't have a clue as how to spin this one other than to say that these were all Democrats. Every one of them. I mean let's face it - would any conservative ever be a gay parent? God forbid, and if one did happen to be a gay parent, at least they would have the decency to be one within the sanctity of a traditional man-woman marriage. No, this is a liberal thing."

"Oh my, people are really over-reacting to this," said Randi Wheeler, a twenty-six year old lesbian mother of two who attended the event. "This is simply the way gay people greet each other - a little hugging, a little kissing, a little rolling around on the ground. I personally saw very little nudity, and I was looking. This was all about the children, not about promoting our radical homosexual agenda."

Photo courtesy of